When I feel inspired, which doesn't happen very often, I like to have thoughtful monologues whether people choose to listen or not, and today is the day.
A friend brought to my attention that someone else thought I didn't like her because I didn't initiate conversations with her. I told her that wasn't the case but I didn't think we had anything in common and I tend to be shy around people I don't know. After having a great conversation with her, I know that we do have things in common now and unfortunately for me, I tend to judge a book by its cover more than I would like to admit. If you look like you have your s**t together, you probably won't like me. This insecurity I have grew my sophomore year of college when I moved in with a friend from high school. She was a neat freak and I simply was not and tension formed in our relationship. You could say that I can recognize neat freaks by behaviors they have. Well, its just an excuse. But where I'm really going here is a deeper issue that I will unleash which is the worst thing about me and yet the best thing about me based on the verse below:
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is
made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in
my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
You might say Emmie, how could you possibly have a weakness? Blonde hair, blue eyes, pretty fit, about to get married, have a great family with great parents, got a master's degree, what's the problem?
My problem? I'm horribly efficient.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
What I meant was, I am actually HORRIBLE at being efficient at ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I am SLOW. In high school I had math exams that I aced that took me two or more hours for a one hour class period exam. My brain's ability to process is on dial up and therefore I have zero efficiency. To make it worse my communication skills aren't always the best and therefore my impatience with my own problem comes across as an impatience on others who don't understand what I'm trying to communicate to them. Infact, I struggle with interpersonal anxiety that means sometimes that I don't want to confront the issue at all.
You might say... ok whatever. We all know you have the brains stick it out and figure it out and ignore whoever gets in your way of that.
Here's the next problem... I am horribly assertive. In this case I mean sometimes that if I have something to say I will attempt to be as direct as possible so my thoughts are understood which sends up red flags and cause people to get incredibly defensive. Here's where my weakness becomes my strength. As I learned in Leadership Advance almost 2 years ago, I am an activator. Which means, I try to motivate others. This "go-get-em" mentality gives hope to the hopeless and rest to the weary because I have faith that they can set their mind to it and accomplish anything they want. I have no discretion and little sympathy. If I can do it, you can do it too.
Ok ok, you've admitted your weakness which hasn't held you back much... now what?
Well, I don't know. I'm looking for a place where I can encourage others, be direct, engage in stimulating work without feeling overwhelmed.
I love learning new things, I love science. I hate writing and I am naturally creative. So what is my calling?
That, I have yet to find out.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Monday, February 25, 2013
Connecting to Christ- Learning to Love
One of my greatest challenges in life is having
patience, and I suppose until recently I didn't realize my lack of it was
actually a talent given to me by God. At Leadership Advance, I learned that
what I like to call my hothead pushy side that often lacks tact or compassion
is my "activator" trait. At leadership advance, I learned that in a
crowd of 60 people there was only maybe 3 activators and I was one of
them.
For the last several months I have been on ADD and
ANXIETY meds. When things aren't on my timeline, I tend to overreact inwardly
or outwardly, and I am not good at being sensitive to others. Beginning in
August, I sought out psychotherapy- started seeing a psychologist, and
eventually ended up in a graduate student therapy group as a result of
interpersonal anxiety. I've learned through this group that my automatic with
helping people is to fix them, which apparently comes a lot more naturally than
fixing myself. But "fixing" people isn't what God's command for us
is, its simply to love them. How can I love someone if I can't understand them,
or even listen to them because of my own impatience?
Reflecting on what I have accomplished in school, I
realize if I wasn't an activator I wouldn't be where I am today. At the same
time however, I have strung along an interpersonal anxiety that is difficult to
overcome. I don't mean to take charge with my "D" personality and my
"restoration" powers, but that's what people see it as, and people
don't like being told what to do <especially me>. So when God told me to
"listen" more, I did.
1. I started giving up control. The most imminent
area in my life of which this applies is my long distance relationship. I
realized that I felt like I had no control over what would happen long term and
it made me anxious, which made me do things and say things that I normally
wouldn't do. This anxiety also resulted in having unreasonable expectations for
my boyfriend. When I gave up this burden, fear went away, and love took its
place.
2. I began to listen. When I started seeing the
people I was impatient with through Christ's eyes I was able to give them more
time in the day. Some of these people were family members, some of these people
were close friends that had become distant, and some of these people were others
I had dismissed after brief encounters due to comments that I took far too
personally. God's forgiveness has allowed me to be humbled by those who love
me, and in turn, love my enemies. In this way, I am starting to overcome the constant defensive mode that I feel every time someone says something that shakes me.
3. Although research anxiety is a continuous drain
of my energy, I have started to seek God as my provider. He has shown me that
he provides when I rest on him. I'm trying to be a bit
more consistent with reading my Bible these days, and in addition, have decided
to mark my additional down time with constructive behavior instead of stress.
I've realized not taking breaks doesn't cure anxiety, it actually hinders
healing and hinders my ability to trust God.
I'm not cured, but God has allowed me to see that I
am loved in a way that I had not observed before. By actually feeling loved, I
can love on others and be happy so much more and not live in isolation. I love
my family, I love my friends, and I love God. Its time for me to dig in the
word. <3
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Testimony Take 2 August 2012
My testimony, seemingly shaped by a few fearful moments of
God have become something dramatically more. Since starting this group, (this
summer) I have experienced incredibly heightened anxiety on a semi-continuous
basis that has left me in tears of pain, anger, and rarely joy.
This summer, I have realized through lessened bible study
meets that my dependence on God is absent. I have been vicariously depending on
others for the comfort I need, and which until this past summer when Bible study
meets were canceled for a period of weeks, supplied.
I think for many the EXPERIENCE of LIVING THROUGH OTHERS IN
CHRIST is a common one, at least for a short time (I picked up the CAPS
attention grabber from Holly- thanks Holly!)
Its funny perhaps that God has to allow me to be wrecked by
myself in order to get my attention. TWICE emotionally over car wrecks, and now
in my stress-prone state of being with an unreliable advisor and 3 crops to
prove something for my thesis. And then I ask myself, WHY AM I WORRYING? Won’t
GOD ultimately provide for me? Can’t I trust him with my life? Why does the
human condition leave me feeling so drained and tense that I cannot complete
what is set before me?
Luke 12:27-31
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or
spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one
of these. 28 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of
little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat
or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For
the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need
them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given
to you as well.
At a Catholic friend’s recommendation,
she sent me to counseling. I had my first session yesterday when I was
confronted with the question: “Are you a worrier?” I had never once placed
myself into this category, only my closest of friends and family can detect
this level of anxiety in my life. I started balling again biking home last
night, thinking to myself, if I believe God can heal me, “Will He?” He wanted
my attention, now He’s got it. As He always has to be drastic to reach me since
my heart is only completely satisfied when I am able to help others which I
have reluctantly not been engaging in so readily recently due to the pile of
work I have accrued, that with the school year about to start and various other
high demand tasks such as writing my thesis proposal.
Friends, sisters and brothers in
Christ, we cannot be humbled when we are too prideful to share our problems and
struggles with one another. I am a worrier, and it will be nothing but God’s
grace should He choose to set me free. My question is, “WHY WOULD HE?” Am I
really as devoted to Him as He is to me? And if I can’t open my heart to Him,
what choice does he really have?
Lord, this is my public proclamation
that I am much less than perfect and I need your everlasting water to quench my
weary soul.
May I cry out to you in supplication
with thanksgiving, so that I may see your will and do it.
“Be anxious for
nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let
your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all
comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians
4:6-7
Testimony Part 1 2009-Summer 2011
Baptism testimony in quotes:
"I don't really remember my life prior to accepting Jesus, my savior, from my sins at the age of 6, but my understanding of God's gift of Jesus Christ lead me to writing this poem.
With love Jesus bound
His body to a tree
His perfection the battle ground
Kneeling to God did He.
The thorns and needles took
His skin of bleeding sweat
Through love his surrender shook
Forgiving sinners' repentance.
For lying not in the grave
After 3 days did He
Arise from the dead and save
Lives exponentially.
Accepting Christ, the perfect one, as my savior kept me from many temptations throughout my pre-college years. I got the grades early on and through high school, went to church regularly through middle school and attended a youth group program from a toddler through high school.
When I went to college and left my family behind however, I became very unsure of my future, was unhappy with my first major choice, and sunk into a depression that I expressed only through written poetry.
Wanting to continue seeking Christ, I attended bible study and real life regularly my freshman year, but, I only let God seep into the skin, not into my heart. The box of unassembled puzzle pieces was my life, an unordered burden, I insisted on carrying.
As I changed my major and was hired to work in a lab that became my home, I became so dedicated to my job that I started making excuses for missing REAL LIFE, the only religious event that I attended my sophomore year. Without that weekly renewal of Christ I became exponentially stressed out, and both my self esteem and grades caplunked again.
At this point in my life, people's views of me began to matter more than my life through Jesus Christ, as if someone had mixed in pieces from the wrong puzzle to keep me from completing my life puzzle through Christ. When a guy fractured my self esteem, I would dye my hair to find my own new identity. Fortunately, at this time in my life my bible study leader Elissa, from freshman year, was there for me, asking if I was reading my bible and going to church, which, I wasn't. She may have thought her actions were insignificant at the time, and perhaps I was too stubborn in the moment to listen, but her words stuck with me, and she was persistent.
I'd fallen back from God when I needed him most, and my sophomore year had separated me so far from him it was difficult to pray. Out of unhappiness and frustration, I turned back to bible study and real life. For the first time since freshman year I felt comfortable opening up at bible study to other Christian girls. As I've reflected the last week (week prior to my baptism on Nov 1, 2009), I searched for verses that fulfill me now, one particular set of verses being:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
These two verses stuck out to me because my number one stress factor is chaos. Through Jesus Christ the pieces that don't belong in my life become clear and the burden of assembling the pieces isn't mine to bear. Instead of finding a hopeless identity in a dye job that won't last, I have found my renewed identity in Christ because, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it's what Christ thinks of you. Today I'd like to demonstrate through baptism my perseverance for Christ through recognition of his death and resurrection for me."
A month or so after my baptism, I followed up with Christ at a week long Christmas conference called IndyCC. It was there that I first realized what redemption was, and that I could live free from the weight that seemed to hold me.
Towards the end of the conference I realized I wanted God to open me up more, to actually break me. I am not a control freak, or as any control freak would say, "I know someone who is a lot worse off than me" (stating that doesn't prove anything, it just says that "I'm ok with it and its not going to change"). A week or so later my dad told me that there was a severe storm coming and since we live in Michigan, it was going to be bad for me if I stayed out too late- an unexperienced Winter driver in a blizzard on bald tires. I kinda only partly listened to that because I wanted to get some film developed and it took more than an hour. On the way home, I went from a complete stop around a sharp corner, went too fast, over corrected for a slide, and messed up my car's alignment very badly. I was really shaken up, but my sister who was in the seat beside me was my life saver. She -->:iconAWpHarm8D: kept me calm as I soon realized the right turn I would make would be directly into oncoming traffic since my car could no longer turn right accurately. We made it home safely but my sister called my mom to call my dad. I couldn't face that.
Just prior to IndyCC, I had told a friend of mine that I liked him. We were going to discuss it after break, but when I wrecked my car, and followed that with "The Notebook," which had me balling to tears, I realized my best friend and favorite forever guy in the world was and is, my current boyfriend. I realized for the previous two years he had been nothing but comforting to me and he never saw me as the whiny childish girl that I was. He claimed to know how I felt, and I had traded that in for what? WHAT?
I felt like I didn't even know this guy who had been the best thing in my life. He got me on DA, where I immediately started writing poetry. He always reminded me that God had a plan for my life. It was that moment, broken hearted crying in my bed that I accepted the possibility that maybe :iconXopherTAF: was the one God had planted there for me all along.
In recent times- AKA this past summer, I lived in another state from my family on my own( well, I had housemates but I didn't know them prior to moving in) for the first time in my life. God took me through another whirlwind. He taught me that my dad's reaction to how I was being treated was not the way to interact with a terrible landlord. He taught me that Christianity is about being the example, the one that keeps it together in difficult times. He taught me that anxiety over my dad's viewpoint of me after I disappointed him - this time totalling my car for good- was not what I had to live for. He also taught me that if I was going to make it through grad school I was going to have to cling on a lot harder and set my priorities.
Additionally, God showed me that there's nothing on this planet that is worth my life besides God. I spent hours and hours of my free time sanding, waxing, and painting my car by hand, and then I totalled it because I was late and hungover from going on 3 days of a conference that ended with drinking. It had rained out and the road was really slick. My dad had warned me about that road, he said "this road is crazy, be careful."
When I mirror God with my earthly father, I realize in my stubbornness I ignore the only true love I have. I also realize I put the blame on my father for my anxiety instead of for the action that was directly opposing my father's direction.
Even still, airbag deployed and all, I look at my life as a pretty big overreaction. I tell myself, if I wasn't such a procrastinator, if I wasn't so high strung, if I wasn't this or that... da..da..da the list goes on and on, I would be successful. But remember Paul? The one who had a thorn for life? That's me. I have a thorn, but ya know what? when I keep the wound clean, attend to it regularly, and lubricate the skin with creams saturated in God's love and affection I can be much much more than I ever imagined. And God made me just the way he did so that I could rely fully on him every day and realize that facebook and other distractors from God can easily be cut down in my life. If I LET HIM REIGN, I will reign too. In His glory.
"I don't really remember my life prior to accepting Jesus, my savior, from my sins at the age of 6, but my understanding of God's gift of Jesus Christ lead me to writing this poem.
With love Jesus bound
His body to a tree
His perfection the battle ground
Kneeling to God did He.
The thorns and needles took
His skin of bleeding sweat
Through love his surrender shook
Forgiving sinners' repentance.
For lying not in the grave
After 3 days did He
Arise from the dead and save
Lives exponentially.
Accepting Christ, the perfect one, as my savior kept me from many temptations throughout my pre-college years. I got the grades early on and through high school, went to church regularly through middle school and attended a youth group program from a toddler through high school.
When I went to college and left my family behind however, I became very unsure of my future, was unhappy with my first major choice, and sunk into a depression that I expressed only through written poetry.
Wanting to continue seeking Christ, I attended bible study and real life regularly my freshman year, but, I only let God seep into the skin, not into my heart. The box of unassembled puzzle pieces was my life, an unordered burden, I insisted on carrying.
As I changed my major and was hired to work in a lab that became my home, I became so dedicated to my job that I started making excuses for missing REAL LIFE, the only religious event that I attended my sophomore year. Without that weekly renewal of Christ I became exponentially stressed out, and both my self esteem and grades caplunked again.
At this point in my life, people's views of me began to matter more than my life through Jesus Christ, as if someone had mixed in pieces from the wrong puzzle to keep me from completing my life puzzle through Christ. When a guy fractured my self esteem, I would dye my hair to find my own new identity. Fortunately, at this time in my life my bible study leader Elissa, from freshman year, was there for me, asking if I was reading my bible and going to church, which, I wasn't. She may have thought her actions were insignificant at the time, and perhaps I was too stubborn in the moment to listen, but her words stuck with me, and she was persistent.
I'd fallen back from God when I needed him most, and my sophomore year had separated me so far from him it was difficult to pray. Out of unhappiness and frustration, I turned back to bible study and real life. For the first time since freshman year I felt comfortable opening up at bible study to other Christian girls. As I've reflected the last week (week prior to my baptism on Nov 1, 2009), I searched for verses that fulfill me now, one particular set of verses being:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
These two verses stuck out to me because my number one stress factor is chaos. Through Jesus Christ the pieces that don't belong in my life become clear and the burden of assembling the pieces isn't mine to bear. Instead of finding a hopeless identity in a dye job that won't last, I have found my renewed identity in Christ because, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it's what Christ thinks of you. Today I'd like to demonstrate through baptism my perseverance for Christ through recognition of his death and resurrection for me."
A month or so after my baptism, I followed up with Christ at a week long Christmas conference called IndyCC. It was there that I first realized what redemption was, and that I could live free from the weight that seemed to hold me.
Towards the end of the conference I realized I wanted God to open me up more, to actually break me. I am not a control freak, or as any control freak would say, "I know someone who is a lot worse off than me" (stating that doesn't prove anything, it just says that "I'm ok with it and its not going to change"). A week or so later my dad told me that there was a severe storm coming and since we live in Michigan, it was going to be bad for me if I stayed out too late- an unexperienced Winter driver in a blizzard on bald tires. I kinda only partly listened to that because I wanted to get some film developed and it took more than an hour. On the way home, I went from a complete stop around a sharp corner, went too fast, over corrected for a slide, and messed up my car's alignment very badly. I was really shaken up, but my sister who was in the seat beside me was my life saver. She -->:iconAWpHarm8D: kept me calm as I soon realized the right turn I would make would be directly into oncoming traffic since my car could no longer turn right accurately. We made it home safely but my sister called my mom to call my dad. I couldn't face that.
Just prior to IndyCC, I had told a friend of mine that I liked him. We were going to discuss it after break, but when I wrecked my car, and followed that with "The Notebook," which had me balling to tears, I realized my best friend and favorite forever guy in the world was and is, my current boyfriend. I realized for the previous two years he had been nothing but comforting to me and he never saw me as the whiny childish girl that I was. He claimed to know how I felt, and I had traded that in for what? WHAT?
I felt like I didn't even know this guy who had been the best thing in my life. He got me on DA, where I immediately started writing poetry. He always reminded me that God had a plan for my life. It was that moment, broken hearted crying in my bed that I accepted the possibility that maybe :iconXopherTAF: was the one God had planted there for me all along.
In recent times- AKA this past summer, I lived in another state from my family on my own( well, I had housemates but I didn't know them prior to moving in) for the first time in my life. God took me through another whirlwind. He taught me that my dad's reaction to how I was being treated was not the way to interact with a terrible landlord. He taught me that Christianity is about being the example, the one that keeps it together in difficult times. He taught me that anxiety over my dad's viewpoint of me after I disappointed him - this time totalling my car for good- was not what I had to live for. He also taught me that if I was going to make it through grad school I was going to have to cling on a lot harder and set my priorities.
Additionally, God showed me that there's nothing on this planet that is worth my life besides God. I spent hours and hours of my free time sanding, waxing, and painting my car by hand, and then I totalled it because I was late and hungover from going on 3 days of a conference that ended with drinking. It had rained out and the road was really slick. My dad had warned me about that road, he said "this road is crazy, be careful."
When I mirror God with my earthly father, I realize in my stubbornness I ignore the only true love I have. I also realize I put the blame on my father for my anxiety instead of for the action that was directly opposing my father's direction.
Even still, airbag deployed and all, I look at my life as a pretty big overreaction. I tell myself, if I wasn't such a procrastinator, if I wasn't so high strung, if I wasn't this or that... da..da..da the list goes on and on, I would be successful. But remember Paul? The one who had a thorn for life? That's me. I have a thorn, but ya know what? when I keep the wound clean, attend to it regularly, and lubricate the skin with creams saturated in God's love and affection I can be much much more than I ever imagined. And God made me just the way he did so that I could rely fully on him every day and realize that facebook and other distractors from God can easily be cut down in my life. If I LET HIM REIGN, I will reign too. In His glory.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I joined a bible study!
This week I've gotten a bit beyond my level of tolerant anxiety, so I joined a Bible study and I'm going to work on letting God take care of my weaknesses. I had a rough drive back to PA after break and I was highly caffeinated which made the drive nerve wracking so I prayed to God and said: "God, please don't let me die now, I'm too young. I promise I'll put you first in my life, I want you to be my center of attention." So here I am. My anxiety returned and I had to transfer the burden to Jesus to move forward. The biggest challenge for me being a high strung individual is being "ok" with myself when tension and stress get in the way of enjoying life and being productive. At church this weekend, at bible study, and in my daily bread reading with Chris this weekend, the message was constant. After taking the RISC assessment for Bible study I've learned we're all unique, AND we all reflect God. There's nothing wrong with us. God glorifies in our beings. And when we see that we all mirror Jesus Christ, we better understand that we together, a multitude of instruments can truly make a masterpiece. We just have to work together. Here's a few ideas from this weekend I'd like to share:
I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (I Peter 2:5)
I am an alien and stranger to this world in which I temporarily live (I Peter 2:11)
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with him (Romans 8:17)
I am God's workmanship- His handiwork- born anew in Christ to do His work (Ephesians 2:10)
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (I Peter 2:5)
I am an alien and stranger to this world in which I temporarily live (I Peter 2:11)
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with him (Romans 8:17)
I am God's workmanship- His handiwork- born anew in Christ to do His work (Ephesians 2:10)
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Have we become arrogant?
Its funny, thinking about how people learn, many of us procrastinate. Others are diligent and get the job done in a timely manner, while others seemingly cheat at life. But one thing is certain, we often learn through punishment. The question is, when we become adults and life isn't going our way (or maybe it is) do we become hard to learning and prefer to settle with comfort and ignore what we are being taught? Are we overlooking life lessons?
I stayed up last night doing homework, saw the clock this morning, and rolled over convinced I couldn't get ready for church that quickly. I am stubborn, and have to learn the lesson over and over again... what am I without God? I'm powerless, I'm ugly, and I have no motivation. If you are Godless, is this how you feel?
Its been a while since I've opened up the Bible on my own to learn something new. To attempt to finish the New Testament. This is what I have learned... Paul, God's most devout athiest up until God showed himself to Paul, is warning the Corinthians that of all the guardians who surround us in Christ, not all of them are worthy of imitation. Some non-Christians are turned away for this very reason from God. We can't as a body in Christ let ourselves become arrogant. Paul talked of coming to visit in saying:
I look like I am doing something important... writing this blog... but this is my way of analyzing my heart, and it is not "good." For the sake of my own desires to succeed, I have left God in the dust when he's the only one that can get me through it. I'm curious... where are you with or without God? And how much pain and struggle do you fight to grasp power? I'm also asking myself this question... For me, I am avoiding servitude. The longer I wait to join back with my loving Christ, the more I feel alone. Why do I feel alone? Because I'm separating myself from God.
I stayed up last night doing homework, saw the clock this morning, and rolled over convinced I couldn't get ready for church that quickly. I am stubborn, and have to learn the lesson over and over again... what am I without God? I'm powerless, I'm ugly, and I have no motivation. If you are Godless, is this how you feel?
Its been a while since I've opened up the Bible on my own to learn something new. To attempt to finish the New Testament. This is what I have learned... Paul, God's most devout athiest up until God showed himself to Paul, is warning the Corinthians that of all the guardians who surround us in Christ, not all of them are worthy of imitation. Some non-Christians are turned away for this very reason from God. We can't as a body in Christ let ourselves become arrogant. Paul talked of coming to visit in saying:
1 Corinthians 4:19-21
"But I will come to you very soon, if the Lord is willing, and then I will find out not only how these arrogant people are talking, but what power they have. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love with a gentle spirit?"I look like I am doing something important... writing this blog... but this is my way of analyzing my heart, and it is not "good." For the sake of my own desires to succeed, I have left God in the dust when he's the only one that can get me through it. I'm curious... where are you with or without God? And how much pain and struggle do you fight to grasp power? I'm also asking myself this question... For me, I am avoiding servitude. The longer I wait to join back with my loving Christ, the more I feel alone. Why do I feel alone? Because I'm separating myself from God.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
What do you hold on to?
After a moment of self reflection and a moment of reflecting on other's lives, I ask what do you hold on to?
Some very simple concepts are trickery to the brain. We don't cling to what is logical, we cling to something that is just there. For example...
We cling as easily to failure as we do to insecurities, falsehoods, etc. Anything that is most irrational we find comfort in blaming.
Yet I wonder... how many people look in the mirror and see the person God sees in each one of us? How many of us settle instead because we find the flaws in ourselves unworthy of anything more?
And how many of us can see genuine love and aren't blinded by the call of the world?
I can't say I think about this frequently, because God has opened my heart to be a little less self conscious, a little more accepting, and much more understanding in the last few years. I sometimes feel guilt for not feeling like I'm meeting expectations made by God and made by myself. When will we show face for Christ Jesus and except the beauty he has bestowed upon us to be a reflection of His greatest glory? Jesus doesn't expect perfection. He wants us to accept his compassion, love, and desire to bring happiness and hope to the world.
A few verses I would like to remember:
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4 TNIV
Some very simple concepts are trickery to the brain. We don't cling to what is logical, we cling to something that is just there. For example...
We cling as easily to failure as we do to insecurities, falsehoods, etc. Anything that is most irrational we find comfort in blaming.
Yet I wonder... how many people look in the mirror and see the person God sees in each one of us? How many of us settle instead because we find the flaws in ourselves unworthy of anything more?
And how many of us can see genuine love and aren't blinded by the call of the world?
I can't say I think about this frequently, because God has opened my heart to be a little less self conscious, a little more accepting, and much more understanding in the last few years. I sometimes feel guilt for not feeling like I'm meeting expectations made by God and made by myself. When will we show face for Christ Jesus and except the beauty he has bestowed upon us to be a reflection of His greatest glory? Jesus doesn't expect perfection. He wants us to accept his compassion, love, and desire to bring happiness and hope to the world.
A few verses I would like to remember:
How long will you men turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods ?
Psalm 4:2
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4 TNIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1 Corinthians 13:3-5
1 Corinthians 13:3-5
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