My testimony, seemingly shaped by a few fearful moments of
God have become something dramatically more. Since starting this group, (this
summer) I have experienced incredibly heightened anxiety on a semi-continuous
basis that has left me in tears of pain, anger, and rarely joy.
This summer, I have realized through lessened bible study
meets that my dependence on God is absent. I have been vicariously depending on
others for the comfort I need, and which until this past summer when Bible study
meets were canceled for a period of weeks, supplied.
I think for many the EXPERIENCE of LIVING THROUGH OTHERS IN
CHRIST is a common one, at least for a short time (I picked up the CAPS
attention grabber from Holly- thanks Holly!)
Its funny perhaps that God has to allow me to be wrecked by
myself in order to get my attention. TWICE emotionally over car wrecks, and now
in my stress-prone state of being with an unreliable advisor and 3 crops to
prove something for my thesis. And then I ask myself, WHY AM I WORRYING? Won’t
GOD ultimately provide for me? Can’t I trust him with my life? Why does the
human condition leave me feeling so drained and tense that I cannot complete
what is set before me?
Luke 12:27-31
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or
spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one
of these. 28 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of
little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat
or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For
the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need
them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given
to you as well.
At a Catholic friend’s recommendation,
she sent me to counseling. I had my first session yesterday when I was
confronted with the question: “Are you a worrier?” I had never once placed
myself into this category, only my closest of friends and family can detect
this level of anxiety in my life. I started balling again biking home last
night, thinking to myself, if I believe God can heal me, “Will He?” He wanted
my attention, now He’s got it. As He always has to be drastic to reach me since
my heart is only completely satisfied when I am able to help others which I
have reluctantly not been engaging in so readily recently due to the pile of
work I have accrued, that with the school year about to start and various other
high demand tasks such as writing my thesis proposal.
Friends, sisters and brothers in
Christ, we cannot be humbled when we are too prideful to share our problems and
struggles with one another. I am a worrier, and it will be nothing but God’s
grace should He choose to set me free. My question is, “WHY WOULD HE?” Am I
really as devoted to Him as He is to me? And if I can’t open my heart to Him,
what choice does he really have?
Lord, this is my public proclamation
that I am much less than perfect and I need your everlasting water to quench my
weary soul.
May I cry out to you in supplication
with thanksgiving, so that I may see your will and do it.
“Be anxious for
nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let
your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all
comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians
4:6-7
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