One of my greatest challenges in life is having
patience, and I suppose until recently I didn't realize my lack of it was
actually a talent given to me by God. At Leadership Advance, I learned that
what I like to call my hothead pushy side that often lacks tact or compassion
is my "activator" trait. At leadership advance, I learned that in a
crowd of 60 people there was only maybe 3 activators and I was one of
them.
For the last several months I have been on ADD and
ANXIETY meds. When things aren't on my timeline, I tend to overreact inwardly
or outwardly, and I am not good at being sensitive to others. Beginning in
August, I sought out psychotherapy- started seeing a psychologist, and
eventually ended up in a graduate student therapy group as a result of
interpersonal anxiety. I've learned through this group that my automatic with
helping people is to fix them, which apparently comes a lot more naturally than
fixing myself. But "fixing" people isn't what God's command for us
is, its simply to love them. How can I love someone if I can't understand them,
or even listen to them because of my own impatience?
Reflecting on what I have accomplished in school, I
realize if I wasn't an activator I wouldn't be where I am today. At the same
time however, I have strung along an interpersonal anxiety that is difficult to
overcome. I don't mean to take charge with my "D" personality and my
"restoration" powers, but that's what people see it as, and people
don't like being told what to do <especially me>. So when God told me to
"listen" more, I did.
1. I started giving up control. The most imminent
area in my life of which this applies is my long distance relationship. I
realized that I felt like I had no control over what would happen long term and
it made me anxious, which made me do things and say things that I normally
wouldn't do. This anxiety also resulted in having unreasonable expectations for
my boyfriend. When I gave up this burden, fear went away, and love took its
place.
2. I began to listen. When I started seeing the
people I was impatient with through Christ's eyes I was able to give them more
time in the day. Some of these people were family members, some of these people
were close friends that had become distant, and some of these people were others
I had dismissed after brief encounters due to comments that I took far too
personally. God's forgiveness has allowed me to be humbled by those who love
me, and in turn, love my enemies. In this way, I am starting to overcome the constant defensive mode that I feel every time someone says something that shakes me.
3. Although research anxiety is a continuous drain
of my energy, I have started to seek God as my provider. He has shown me that
he provides when I rest on him. I'm trying to be a bit
more consistent with reading my Bible these days, and in addition, have decided
to mark my additional down time with constructive behavior instead of stress.
I've realized not taking breaks doesn't cure anxiety, it actually hinders
healing and hinders my ability to trust God.
I'm not cured, but God has allowed me to see that I
am loved in a way that I had not observed before. By actually feeling loved, I
can love on others and be happy so much more and not live in isolation. I love
my family, I love my friends, and I love God. Its time for me to dig in the
word. <3
