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Monday, February 25, 2013

Connecting to Christ- Learning to Love


One of my greatest challenges in life is having patience, and I suppose until recently I didn't realize my lack of it was actually a talent given to me by God. At Leadership Advance, I learned that what I like to call my hothead pushy side that often lacks tact or compassion is my "activator" trait. At leadership advance, I learned that in a crowd of 60 people there was only maybe 3 activators and I was one of them. 
For the last several months I have been on ADD and ANXIETY meds. When things aren't on my timeline, I tend to overreact inwardly or outwardly, and I am not good at being sensitive to others. Beginning in August, I sought out psychotherapy- started seeing a psychologist, and eventually ended up in a graduate student therapy group as a result of interpersonal anxiety. I've learned through this group that my automatic with helping people is to fix them, which apparently comes a lot more naturally than fixing myself. But "fixing" people isn't what God's command for us is, its simply to love them. How can I love someone if I can't understand them, or even listen to them because of my own impatience? 
Reflecting on what I have accomplished in school, I realize if I wasn't an activator I wouldn't be where I am today. At the same time however, I have strung along an interpersonal anxiety that is difficult to overcome. I don't mean to take charge with my "D" personality and my "restoration" powers, but that's what people see it as, and people don't like being told what to do <especially me>. So when God told me to "listen" more, I did. 

1. I started giving up control. The most imminent area in my life of which this applies is my long distance relationship. I realized that I felt like I had no control over what would happen long term and it made me anxious, which made me do things and say things that I normally wouldn't do. This anxiety also resulted in having unreasonable expectations for my boyfriend. When I gave up this burden, fear went away, and love took its place.

2. I began to listen. When I started seeing the people I was impatient with through Christ's eyes I was able to give them more time in the day. Some of these people were family members, some of these people were close friends that had become distant, and some of these people were others I had dismissed after brief encounters due to comments that I took far too personally. God's forgiveness has allowed me to be humbled by those who love me, and in turn, love my enemies. In this way, I am starting to overcome the constant defensive mode that I feel every time someone says something that shakes me.

3. Although research anxiety is a continuous drain of my energy, I have started to seek God as my provider. He has shown me that he provides when I rest on him. I'm trying to be a bit more consistent with reading my Bible these days, and in addition, have decided to mark my additional down time with constructive behavior instead of stress. I've realized not taking breaks doesn't cure anxiety, it actually hinders healing and hinders my ability to trust God.

I'm not cured, but God has allowed me to see that I am loved in a way that I had not observed before. By actually feeling loved, I can love on others and be happy so much more and not live in isolation. I love my family, I love my friends, and I love God. Its time for me to dig in the word. <3