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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Testimony Take 2 August 2012


My testimony, seemingly shaped by a few fearful moments of God have become something dramatically more. Since starting this group, (this summer) I have experienced incredibly heightened anxiety on a semi-continuous basis that has left me in tears of pain, anger, and rarely joy.
This summer, I have realized through lessened bible study meets that my dependence on God is absent. I have been vicariously depending on others for the comfort I need, and which until this past summer when Bible study meets were canceled for a period of weeks, supplied.
I think for many the EXPERIENCE of LIVING THROUGH OTHERS IN CHRIST is a common one, at least for a short time (I picked up the CAPS attention grabber from Holly- thanks Holly!)
Its funny perhaps that God has to allow me to be wrecked by myself in order to get my attention. TWICE emotionally over car wrecks, and now in my stress-prone state of being with an unreliable advisor and 3 crops to prove something for my thesis. And then I ask myself, WHY AM I WORRYING? Won’t GOD ultimately provide for me? Can’t I trust him with my life? Why does the human condition leave me feeling so drained and tense that I cannot complete what is set before me?

Luke 12:27-31
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

At a Catholic friend’s recommendation, she sent me to counseling. I had my first session yesterday when I was confronted with the question: “Are you a worrier?” I had never once placed myself into this category, only my closest of friends and family can detect this level of anxiety in my life. I started balling again biking home last night, thinking to myself, if I believe God can heal me, “Will He?” He wanted my attention, now He’s got it. As He always has to be drastic to reach me since my heart is only completely satisfied when I am able to help others which I have reluctantly not been engaging in so readily recently due to the pile of work I have accrued, that with the school year about to start and various other high demand tasks such as writing my thesis proposal.

Friends, sisters and brothers in Christ, we cannot be humbled when we are too prideful to share our problems and struggles with one another. I am a worrier, and it will be nothing but God’s grace should He choose to set me free. My question is, “WHY WOULD HE?” Am I really as devoted to Him as He is to me? And if I can’t open my heart to Him, what choice does he really have?

Lord, this is my public proclamation that I am much less than perfect and I need your everlasting water to quench my weary soul.
May I cry out to you in supplication with thanksgiving, so that I may see your will and do it.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Testimony Part 1 2009-Summer 2011

Baptism testimony in quotes:

"I don't really remember my life prior to accepting Jesus, my savior, from my sins at the age of 6, but my understanding of God's gift of Jesus Christ lead me to writing this poem.

With love Jesus bound
His body to a tree
His perfection the battle ground
Kneeling to God did He.
The thorns and needles took
His skin of bleeding sweat
Through love his surrender shook
Forgiving sinners' repentance.
For lying not in the grave
After 3 days did He
Arise from the dead and save
Lives exponentially.

Accepting Christ, the perfect one, as my savior kept me from many temptations throughout my pre-college years. I got the grades early on and through high school, went to church regularly through middle school and attended a youth group program from a toddler through high school.

When I went to college and left my family behind however, I became very unsure of my future, was unhappy with my first major choice, and sunk into a depression that I expressed only through written poetry.

Wanting to continue seeking Christ, I attended bible study and real life regularly my freshman year, but, I only let God seep into the skin, not into my heart. The box of unassembled puzzle pieces was my life, an unordered burden, I insisted on carrying.

As I changed my major and was hired to work in a lab that became my home, I became so dedicated to my job that I started making excuses for missing REAL LIFE, the only religious event that I attended my sophomore year. Without that weekly renewal of Christ I became exponentially stressed out, and both my self esteem and grades caplunked again.

At this point in my life, people's views of me began to matter more than my life through Jesus Christ, as if someone had mixed in pieces from the wrong puzzle to keep me from completing my life puzzle through Christ. When a guy fractured my self esteem, I would dye my hair to find my own new identity. Fortunately, at this time in my life my bible study leader Elissa, from freshman year, was there for me, asking if I was reading my bible and going to church, which, I wasn't. She may have thought her actions were insignificant at the time, and perhaps I was too stubborn in the moment to listen, but her words stuck with me, and she was persistent.

I'd fallen back from God when I needed him most, and my sophomore year had separated me so far from him it was difficult to pray. Out of unhappiness and frustration, I turned back to bible study and real life. For the first time since freshman year I felt comfortable opening up at bible study to other Christian girls. As I've reflected the last week (week prior to my baptism on Nov 1, 2009), I searched for verses that fulfill me now, one particular set of verses being:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
These two verses stuck out to me because my number one stress factor is chaos. Through Jesus Christ the pieces that don't belong in my life become clear and the burden of assembling the pieces isn't mine to bear. Instead of finding a hopeless identity in a dye job that won't last, I have found my renewed identity in Christ because, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it's what Christ thinks of you. Today I'd like to demonstrate through baptism my perseverance for Christ through recognition of his death and resurrection for me."

A month or so after my baptism, I followed up with Christ at a week long Christmas conference called IndyCC. It was there that I first realized what redemption was, and that I could live free from the weight that seemed to hold me.

Towards the end of the conference I realized I wanted God to open me up more, to actually break me. I am not a control freak, or as any control freak would say, "I know someone who is a lot worse off than me" (stating that doesn't prove anything, it just says that "I'm ok with it and its not going to change"). A week or so later my dad told me that there was a severe storm coming and since we live in Michigan, it was going to be bad for me if I stayed out too late- an unexperienced Winter driver in a blizzard on bald tires. I kinda only partly listened to that because I wanted to get some film developed and it took more than an hour. On the way home, I went from a complete stop around a sharp corner, went too fast, over corrected for a slide, and messed up my car's alignment very badly. I was really shaken up, but my sister who was in the seat beside me was my life saver. She -->:iconAWpHarm8D: kept me calm as I soon realized the right turn I would make would be directly into oncoming traffic since my car could no longer turn right accurately. We made it home safely but my sister called my mom to call my dad. I couldn't face that.

Just prior to IndyCC, I had told a friend of mine that I liked him. We were going to discuss it after break, but when I wrecked my car, and followed that with "The Notebook," which had me balling to tears, I realized my best friend and favorite forever guy in the world was and is, my current boyfriend. I realized for the previous two years he had been nothing but comforting to me and he never saw me as the whiny childish girl that I was. He claimed to know how I felt, and I had traded that in for what? WHAT?

I felt like I didn't even know this guy who had been the best thing in my life. He got me on DA, where I immediately started writing poetry. He always reminded me that God had a plan for my life. It was that moment, broken hearted crying in my bed that I accepted the possibility that maybe :iconXopherTAF: was the one God had planted there for me all along.

In recent times- AKA this past summer, I lived in another state from my family on my own( well, I had housemates but I didn't know them prior to moving in) for the first time in my life. God took me through another whirlwind. He taught me that my dad's reaction to how I was being treated was not the way to interact with a terrible landlord. He taught me that Christianity is about being the example, the one that keeps it together in difficult times. He taught me that anxiety over my dad's viewpoint of me after I disappointed him - this time totalling my car for good- was not what I had to live for. He also taught me that if I was going to make it through grad school I was going to have to cling on a lot harder and set my priorities.

Additionally, God showed me that there's nothing on this planet that is worth my life besides God. I spent hours and hours of my free time sanding, waxing, and painting my car by hand, and then I totalled it because I was late and hungover from going on 3 days of a conference that ended with drinking. It had rained out and the road was really slick. My dad had warned me about that road, he said "this road is crazy, be careful."
When I mirror God with my earthly father, I realize in my stubbornness I ignore the only true love I have. I also realize I put the blame on my father for my anxiety instead of for the action that was directly opposing my father's direction.

Even still, airbag deployed and all, I look at my life as a pretty big overreaction. I tell myself, if I wasn't such a procrastinator, if I wasn't so high strung, if I wasn't this or that... da..da..da the list goes on and on, I would be successful. But remember Paul? The one who had a thorn for life? That's me. I have a thorn, but ya know what? when I keep the wound clean, attend to it regularly, and lubricate the skin with creams saturated in God's love and affection I can be much much more than I ever imagined. And God made me just the way he did so that I could rely fully on him every day and realize that facebook and other distractors from God can easily be cut down in my life. If I LET HIM REIGN, I will reign too. In His glory.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I joined a bible study!

This week I've gotten a bit beyond my level of tolerant anxiety, so I joined a Bible study and I'm going to work on letting God take care of my weaknesses. I had a rough drive back to PA after break and I was highly caffeinated which made the drive nerve wracking so I prayed to God and said: "God, please don't let me die now, I'm too young. I promise I'll put you first in my life, I want you to be my center of attention." So here I am. My anxiety returned and I had to transfer the burden to Jesus to move forward. The biggest challenge for me being a high strung individual is being "ok" with myself when tension and stress get in the way of enjoying life and being productive. At church this weekend, at bible study, and in my daily bread reading with Chris this weekend, the message was constant. After taking the RISC assessment for Bible study I've learned we're all unique, AND we all reflect God. There's nothing wrong with us. God glorifies in our beings. And when we see that we all mirror Jesus Christ, we better understand that we together, a multitude of instruments can truly make a masterpiece. We just have to work together. Here's a few ideas from this weekend I'd like to share:

I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (I Peter 2:5)
I am an alien and stranger to this world in which I temporarily live (I Peter 2:11)
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with him (Romans 8:17)
I am God's workmanship- His handiwork- born anew in Christ to do His work (Ephesians 2:10)


Psalm 139:13-16
 13 For you created my inmost being; 
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
   your works are wonderful, 
   I know that full well. 
15 My frame was not hidden from you 
   when I was made in the secret place, 
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 
   before one of them came to be.