When I feel inspired, which doesn't happen very often, I like to have thoughtful monologues whether people choose to listen or not, and today is the day.
A friend brought to my attention that someone else thought I didn't like her because I didn't initiate conversations with her. I told her that wasn't the case but I didn't think we had anything in common and I tend to be shy around people I don't know. After having a great conversation with her, I know that we do have things in common now and unfortunately for me, I tend to judge a book by its cover more than I would like to admit. If you look like you have your s**t together, you probably won't like me. This insecurity I have grew my sophomore year of college when I moved in with a friend from high school. She was a neat freak and I simply was not and tension formed in our relationship. You could say that I can recognize neat freaks by behaviors they have. Well, its just an excuse. But where I'm really going here is a deeper issue that I will unleash which is the worst thing about me and yet the best thing about me based on the verse below:
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is
made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in
my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
You might say Emmie, how could you possibly have a weakness? Blonde hair, blue eyes, pretty fit, about to get married, have a great family with great parents, got a master's degree, what's the problem?
My problem? I'm horribly efficient.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
What I meant was, I am actually HORRIBLE at being efficient at ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I am SLOW. In high school I had math exams that I aced that took me two or more hours for a one hour class period exam. My brain's ability to process is on dial up and therefore I have zero efficiency. To make it worse my communication skills aren't always the best and therefore my impatience with my own problem comes across as an impatience on others who don't understand what I'm trying to communicate to them. Infact, I struggle with interpersonal anxiety that means sometimes that I don't want to confront the issue at all.
You might say... ok whatever. We all know you have the brains stick it out and figure it out and ignore whoever gets in your way of that.
Here's the next problem... I am horribly assertive. In this case I mean sometimes that if I have something to say I will attempt to be as direct as possible so my thoughts are understood which sends up red flags and cause people to get incredibly defensive. Here's where my weakness becomes my strength. As I learned in Leadership Advance almost 2 years ago, I am an activator. Which means, I try to motivate others. This "go-get-em" mentality gives hope to the hopeless and rest to the weary because I have faith that they can set their mind to it and accomplish anything they want. I have no discretion and little sympathy. If I can do it, you can do it too.
Ok ok, you've admitted your weakness which hasn't held you back much... now what?
Well, I don't know. I'm looking for a place where I can encourage others, be direct, engage in stimulating work without feeling overwhelmed.
I love learning new things, I love science. I hate writing and I am naturally creative. So what is my calling?
That, I have yet to find out.
